A Gray Haze Over The Rice Fields

I really liked this poem, the author used a lot of descriptive words such as, "long-legged, little kisses, and soft dampness" as well as many other words phrases in the poem. I also liked this poem because it had a gloomier side to it.
One line I was confused with was in the first stanza, "I am looking out in search of memory, not death." I think the author meant that she was writing about past memories and she wanted to point that out so people wouldn't confuse it with her seeing her life flash before her eyes before she died.
I found it interesting as well how the author started out with nice, fond memories and then she transitioned into those gloomy ones. In this part though another line confused me, it was at the very end of the first stanza, "my mother didn't notice me from beyond the closed door of her youth." I'm still not sure what this line means but I thought maybe it meant that when her mother was young she had many dreams and hopes that she never accomplished and now she wallows in those lost dreams and closes herself off to the rest of the world, especially her daughter.
In the next stanza where it begins talking about the thread, I thought it might symbolize things that she can not accomplish or attain or perhaps people she can not connect with or reach out to. Many things are passed down from parent to child so perhaps this means that she now shuts out loved ones like her mother did.
The next line, "It's not that I wait for judgment.", could connect with my previous idea that she knows that what she is doing hurts other or what her mother did, shutting people out, hurts others but she is not waiting for someone to judge her or for God to judge her. The lines about the shadow I think represent redemption, she is freed from those past memories that emotionally scarred her and now she can just think about the happy memories she has and forget about the bad ones.